Saturday, September 24, 2005

i know stress is a part and parcel of life, yet it is so hard to get used to.
the raised hopes, failed expectations, crushed hopes and faraway dreams.
i hate to be such a let-down to my mom and to myself. teachers as well.
but i know God has a plan for me, one far greater than this.
and i've been holding on to the ' when there's no reason to smile, smile for Jesus' mantra. it's been keeping me going. whenever i feel like it's pointless and so hard, i tell myself, hey this isnt for you, it's for JESUS.its so cool to say to him in my heart, hey God, this one's for you (:
sometimes, its hard. its hard to study so hard, do all the tys questions and practice alot and then you get back your testpaper. crushed hopes.
its so tough not to compare results to those who don't even study, sleep during lessons and get a pass, dont mean that they dont deserve it but, we get the same marks.
sometimes i just ask myself time and time again, nic, what's the point of studying? whats the point of doing this and failing to rise up to my hopes, my targets and my expectations?
whats the point of disappointing my mom and myself ?
she has mapped out my whole career life, according what i want to be?
im really grateful, but looking at me now, i cant bring myself to show her my ppr?
i have such a sense of dread when i go and collect my ppr from mrs tian.
got a revelation yesterday night though, thank God.
i shan't let the devil trick me any longer, with breaking fast and eating all the funny unhealthy foods, not with bending and twisting my mindset to percieve twisted thoughts. NO, I'M GOING TO CRUSH SATAN UNDER MY FEET. cos satan, you are NOTHING. a big fat ZERO. MY GOD REIGNS (: well, thank God (:
and well, i have to maintain, at least my eighteen for L1R5.
smiling for Jesus. all this is for you God, the studies, my life, my smile :D
i'm laying down the stress, the failures and the crushed hopes at the cross and i'm going to face this GOD'S STYLE. not going to look back, turn back, or run away from reality. like a victor. i'm more than a victor and a conqueror in Christ. this ain't gonna get me down.
how could i live without you ?
your the one that heals me.
AND THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN SATISFY MY SOUL

now off to finish biology TYS for the last chapter and then, ive got amath ( chapter two down), e math, chemistry, read inspiration, trial exams( practice more) and lit PBQ and T&D. and chinese lots of li3 jie3 wen4 da3. (: hooray. so two subs down! four to go, i shall focus on only the six im counting for L1R5 and then work the the other three when i'm done. yay.

HE LOVES (: at 10:32 PM

Sunday, September 18, 2005

boldness. love.
and courage to step out in faith.
don't read this if you can't stand reading long posts, or if you think it's pious or whatsoever. my reflection is rather long this time yeah. you're good if you can finish even halfway, yeah you get what i mean. (:

yesterday's sermon really engraved something deep in my heart. God's really been speaking, maybe we're just not listening. not on our lists of priorities, too many things to do, no time for God?
i'm guilty of this as well, just doing things because it's my christian duty, not for our King? the catholics in our class often wonder how much we can be on fire for God, yet i wonder how they can't. perhaps not exploring God enough. intimacy? the bondage? i'm really not sure, but no offence, i'm not against any religon. it's just that this few weeks have really been reflective for me. now, i'm starting alot to sense it's not just about doing quiet time everyday or whatsoever but it's about spending the whole entire day with Jesus, letting Him lead us by the spirit and such. i was reading proverbs and i was just so awed at how a book written so long ago could be ever so apt, so true, so real.
then it struck me, how well are we representing Christ in our lives?
it just hit the nail, that all God was trying to tell me, about the people who need Him, who are going to perish and burn in hell without the gospel, perishing without experiencing His love.
how can we just stand by and not do anything? how can we just bear to see those we love ever so much die without understanding that there is someone who knows their every move, every feeling, every thought, every tinge of sadness or despair. that He sees them through in joy, in sorrow, in the most stressful times, the very times they need someone, yet put on masks? to show people they are fine, they can get along so well by themselves, they don't need help, they can manage perfectly well relying on themselves, i talked to andrea about this too after missions prayer meeting. self suffiency, lack of need to rely on others for help, need, guidance, support, love and care. but yet i realise, hey these people need Jesus.
people won't know how much we care, till we show them that we care. and there was one verse in the bible that Jesus said: " I tell you the truth, all those things you do for my brothers, you were doing for me". once again stressing the need to lend a hand and open our hearts and eyes to those in need around us.
it all starts from us, from us reaching out to share the love that we have to others.
if i speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not loved, i am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If i have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if i have a faith that can move mountains, but have not loved, i am nothing. If i give all i possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames but have not loves, i gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but delights with the truth. It always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophecy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. when i was a child, i talked like a child, i reasoned like a child. when i became man, i put childish ways behind me. now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now i know in part; then i shall know fully, even as i am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13
love is the highest spiritual gift of all.
how much does it take to love? i sometimes wonder. but when an act is done and presented as a burnt offering to GOD, there is such a feeling in my heart, that fills me with such joy.
taking the first step is hard but once done, it is overwhelming (:
the VS cell verse alexi told me about is really a constant reminder of this, John, 13:34-35
A new command i give you: Love one another. As i have loved you, so you must love one another. By this, all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.
it was just so apt? loving the unlovely. but yet none is unlovely, Christ made them all so beautifully, it's more of a matter of finding their good points than the bad. more often than not, we usually tend to look more on the neg side of things. i sometimes struggle within myself, esp. the beginning of the year about this, in the end managing to do all this. and trying to do it with a cheerful heart is yet another issue. for the joy of the Lord is our strength. (:

missions is coming, this verse burned through my heart.
John 13:14-16
Now that i, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you should wash one another's feet. I have set you an example that you should do as i have done for you. i tell you the truth, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him.

humility. humbling yourself to be at another's service. being the hands and feet of Jesus, getting down and dirty for Christ.
i truly admire cleaners, though their pay is low and many despise them, it is them, the basis of the jobs we have that builds the walls and standards, i admire their humility and courage to do such a job.

PRAISE THE LORD! (:

enough rambling.
now for something random.
i'm trying to comprehend how girls and seldom, guys, actually starve themselves of food and such wonderful desserts in such affluent countries, while there are people who are starving out there,in malnourishment and poverty. perhaps a change of culture will do them some good. that's not for me too say, but it's ironic isn't it? the calorie war. i for one can't forsake my chocolates, brownies, mrs fields, cheese cakes, american carrot cake and mcflurries. heavenly!!!! we'll grow out of it, i remember doing such things in secondary two as well. FIGHT IT GIRLS ! it breaks my heart to see them do this to themselves, they're already so beautiful the way they are (:
God bless ya'll.

HE LOVES (: at 2:01 AM